“There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— A time to give birth and a time to die; A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted; A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; A time to embrace and a time to shun-embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; A time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; a time for and time for peace.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
This is a really hard post for me to write. It isn’t for lack of words, either.
As everyone knows, we shared here on the blog, as well as on FIAT, and on our social media pages that I was expecting a child. We were overjoyed that God answered our prayers. We started to plan for our little one and were filled with joy and anticipation. God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
What people don’t know about me is that I have a hard time getting and staying pregnant. Our children (in order) are Morgan, Toby, Jo, and Vernon “Tripp” III. We have had four pregnancies in our marriage prior to this pregnancy. The first three were early miscarriages and our fourth baby was stillborn at twenty-one weeks last October. I have had multiple diagnoses as to why I am losing my children: low progesterone, incompetent cervix, hormone imbalance, etc. For the last three years I have been poked, prodded and tested again and again. After the birth of my son, we had a plan in place, which brings me to our fifth pregnancy.
I had to have injections, blood tests, multiple OB/GYN & NaPro doctor visits. Everything was going great this time: the baby was growing and was healthy. I on the other hand was super sick, having HG, and was having a horrible time. Then, on June 2, 2017 we again found ourselves in the hospital, where we gave birth to our fifth child in her twentieth gestational week. Her name is Frances and she was able to be baptized while she was still alive. She was only out of my womb and alive for 20 minutes, and we knew her little lungs wouldn’t be able to take oxygen. Further, the doctors wouldn’t be able to put our baby in a NICU, since she was so young. She is such a beautiful child, a true blessing.
Sorrow, Suffering, and God’s Grace
My husband and I are getting bombarded with questions now and sometimes advice that is not helpful. We keep reminding each other that people are very uncomfortable with the issue of death and loss. They seem to just to want to help, but they sometimes say things that are hurtful. No one ever likes to lose anything; especially a loved one.
There is a book in the Bible that I always think of when horrific and traumatic things happen to me or my family: the Book of Job. Job lost his family, his land, and all his worldly possessions. Not once did he curse God. Instead he gave praise, respect, and his heart to God. He was sad, even a little upset; he had long conversations with God. His belief was that God is the only one with the plan. Job knew there was a time to mourn but also to rejoice in his faith to God.
Putting your trust and faith into God, and his time, is hard. The typical questions like, “Why this is happening to us?” and “Why must I endure pain, both emotional and physical?” always race through our minds. There are times where we are sad, mourning our loss, and questioning sometimes if there was something else that we could have done.
I think there is a beauty to suffering; one that we really don’t look into a lot.
Like Job, our hearts are fully on God and we would never forsake him because we are hurt. God sent his only son, Jesus, to suffer on the cross and to die for us. Our sacrifices are for the Lord, and they are all beautiful. Every time we go through losing a child, we are at peace knowing that our little ones are with God. Nothing we can do can equal or come close to God’s sacrifice for our souls.
Yes. There are times where we are hurt, when we go home to our families’ homes and don’t see any pictures or evidence that our children were even there. We see all of our nieces, nephews, cousins, and second cousins in the pictures on the walls, but no sign that our babies were here. That’s okay because my husband and I take time to celebrate the lives we created together and praise the Lord that he gave us the honor to carry them as long as we did.
We have no insight on the future or what we plan to do. We trust the Lord and his plan to grow our family.
Thank you everyone who has prayed for us. We are grateful for the prayers.
I’m sorry this post is a little sad, but it’s real life. It’s our life.
Rachel and the Scientist
***On behalf of Rachel and The Scientist, Kristi and Bridgette would like to ask that you continue to keep Rachel & The Scientist and their sweet babies in your prayers, especially as they heal physically & spiritually and discern God’s plan for their family. In Christ, the Hail Marry team.***